Life sure has a way sometimes of doing it’s own thing regardless of any plans put into place, you know? I was on it…plans written down…checking them off….movin’ man. But then…
My absence from my blog is not because of anything good. Shortly after my last post I got a call about my dad having fallen. I felt from that very moment that it was the beginning of the end for him. The fall strained his back but no broken bones. You see, at 81 years old, he was pretty much done and at peace with it. He loved me enough to tell me how he felt and how much he loved me. Tears rolled from both our eyes but he wouldn’t go without saying something.
What can you say?? Aw it’s okay dad….you’ll jump back into life. No dad, don’t leave. Everything will be okay when your back heals. I really think, truthfully, in two weeks at the most you’ll be driving again. I told him all of that except the second one. He wanted to go but he would have tried to stay for his kids….and would have continued to be done.
He said he was tired of playing bingo, tired of playing poker, and tired of being lonely (mom passed in ’07). “Why not move to a retirement village?”, he was asked often. He replied, “Old people live there.” He did live in a very nice retirement complex but did not mingle much with the neighbors. Dad spent years owning restaurants so he was always around young people. Though he dealt with teenage angst from hundreds of employees more than any adult having raised seven children beyond teenage years should have, he preferred the company of younguns…..in relation to his age anyways….30’s, 40’s, 50’s. The 60’s age group was pushing it.
So on October 14 Roger Groce, Sr. passed away because he wanted to. I’ve heard stories over the years of the elderly dying with no real medical reason. My ex husband’s grandmother fell and broke her collar bone. A fairly minor thing as far as broken bones go, but she was done, having survived the deaths of her husband and her only child, my ex’s father. My grandfather went to the hospital for bowel obstruction. Not a minor thing but definitely survivable even for a stubborn 83 three year old. He kept asking what day it was knowing that my grandmother’s birthday was coming up. He wanted to be with her so on the day before her birthday he fell asleep and never awoke. He was done.
I have chosen to respect my dad’s feelings as they were his alone. I’m not 81 yet so who am I, at 55, to judge it. When your parents reach those ages you know, of course, their days are numbered. It’s a fact of life as we all lose our parents and our children will lose us too. But, I’m hear to tell you that that truth doesn’t give you comfort….not in the beginning anyways.
So it’s been hard to get back to Etsy. Doubt has filled my thoughts. But my dad is why I had the balls to start down that path in the first place. He made his own way and was his own boss for most of my life. His entrepreneurial drive and spirit has touched all his kids in one way or another. He really liked what I was doing. He’d call me up…”Cin, I think you should make <his idea>. I think it will sell.” He would know.
Bye daddy….I love you….and thank you so so much.